If you are a newbie in the internet dating department, you may have some burning questions. In order to help you in this journey, I’m going to answer several frequently asked questions in detail.
- How should I set boundaries in the right way?
Always communicate with each other cleanly and clearly. Many people find it hard to manage relationships because they don’t know how to strike a balance between compromises and getting their needs met.
The key to a successful relationship is setting clear boundaries. If there is something that you can’t do for your partner, you’d better be honest from the beginning. Otherwise, resentment will grow, which is bad for the relationship.
What are your non-negotiables? Clarify those and communicate well!
2. How can I get my needs met in a relationship?
The best and the fastest way to get your needs met is to make sure that your partner gets what she wants. By that I mean if your partner is satisfied, it’s so much easier to ask for what you want. 😊
3. What is the No. 1 relationship killer?
A lot of people think lack of communication is the biggest relationship killer. But as I see it, things like lack of communication and lack of a shared vision are simply the symptoms of the real No. 1 relationship killer: unresolved trauma.
First of all, unresolved trauma is usually dismissed or unexplored. When individuals experience issues in romantic relationships, they often focus on looking for solutions to problems, which is understandable. Nevertheless, when the same problem arises repeatedly, unresolved trauma is probably the fundamental reason why people have to solve the same problem again and again.
For instance, Simon is an attractive guy in his late 30s. Each time he is in a romantic relationship with a woman through online dating, his anxiety and neediness would ruin the entire project. His family and friends told him that the right woman would give him a sense of certainty and security; therefore, he is supposed to look for the right woman. His psychologist told him that it is actually his neediness that makes women leave him. Further analysis reveals that the real reason behind his unreasonable neediness is a kind of dread, i.e., fear of abandonment: When Simon was 3 years of age, his mom left; consequently, he grew up with his violent and alcoholic dad.
If Simon’s trauma is unresolved, similar patterns would keep happening in all his relationships.
Second, it’s totally possible to heal your life and have a good relationship even if you have unresolved trauma. In truth, trauma is very common. Most people avoid talking about this unpleasant topic. Actually, I may even argue that almost everybody has some type of unresolved trauma. But the fantastic news is you are able to heal your life. If you can afford professional therapy, you can do EMDR which is probably the best therapy for trauma. However, if therapy is too expensive for you, you can deal with unresolved trauma by yourself through conditioning your feelings and emotions. What makes you happy? Write down a list of at least 100 things that make you happy and enjoy at least 2 of them each day! Please do not allow your past to define your future.
4. What are the common mistakes that people make on the first date?
The first mistake is talking without listening. Usually, talking too much has these 2 effects: A) you just focus on yourself; B) you share too much too early. What’s more, talking too much doesn’t allow you to listen carefully. You are supposed to ask her questions and listen to what she says on the first date.
The second mistake is talking too much about your ex-partner. When the context is right, you can talk about your ex-partner.
Nonetheless, you are not supposed to bring up your ex deliberately. Your date wants to know that you are over your ex-partner and ready for the new chapter in your life through online dating. 😉
5. How can I make the first date better?
First and foremost, you are not supposed to show extremely high expectations on the first date. I mean your standards should be high, but at this stage, your expectations can’t be too high. The first date is an opportunity for you to find out more about each other so that you will know if she is the right candidate or not.
Second, you’d better choose the right activity for the first date. Going to a local gallery or a coffee shop is a good activity because it’s more flexible. A dinner date is not a great activity on the first date because it’s too long.
“When you go to the museum on the first date, there is always an external focus; hence, you won’t worry about what to talk about!”