In 2001, there was a movie called Serendipity in which Jonathan Trager and Sara Thomas’s love story has deeply moved millions of people worldwide. Of course, we know that’s a fictional story, but the theory of serendipity can be applied to real-life safe dating to some degree.
Don’t underestimate the power of surrender.
Lissa Rankin (author of The Fear Cure) once said, “If you’d like to achieve a goal, you need to surrender first.” That doesn’t mean you are not going to manage your destiny (including safe dating); it simply means you need to get out of your own way and allow good things to happen to you.
There are many things people want so desperately to be different than they are; consequently, people seek every possible solution. Indeed, we want so badly for it to be possible to meld the world to our will and make it the sparkly version that we always had in our minds. We truly want to be able to fix things.
Sometimes you may get yourself so rooted in a particular set of rules to the point of dogma, channeling all of your worry, fear, distress and sadness into perfection. If you make it about following the rules, you don’t have to feel how difficult it is to be responsible for something important to you.
I know a guy who has got safe dating advice from dating coaches, therapists and psychics here and there in order to figure out how to find a girlfriend. Of course, getting the advice that he needs is absolutely necessary, but this project shouldn’t dominate his life. He was so desperate that he allowed this concern to control his life.
In his opinion, if he just does exactly what these experts say, his love life will change. One slipup, though, and all of his efforts are totally ruined. No deviating from the experts’ plan. The plan is his salvation. The plan is his sanity. He is drowning here, and the experts’ plan is his only access to oxygen.
But in reality, there is no one set of rules that will work for every guy in every situation. Your inner guidance is the best leader you have. Don’t follow anything unless it has been run through your inner guidance in the first place and it has been deemed a fit for you as well as your unique circumstances, soul qualities and preferences.
When it comes to safe dating, trying to control everything and everyone around you is not only impossible, but also exhausting.
Stop trying to control everything.
Many people reach for control as a coping mechanism. If you are looking for a shortcut as you are not in therapy now or don’t feel like you have the time / money to work with a dating coach, you simply need to stop trying to control everything.
Instead, there are some things that you can actually control in terms of safe dating:
- How many safe dating sites you join;
- How many messages you send to other members on a safe dating website each week;
- How much and how deeply you breathe;
- What you do or don’t put in your mouth;
- The words that come out of your mouth;
- When and if you go to the gym;
- How you respond to situations in your life;
- Your emotional regulation related to various situations;
- Your intentions;
- What you put your attention on;
- Your own actions.
Here are things that you can’t really control:
- Other people’s actions;
- Other people’s intentions;
- What others say;
- How others feel;
- All situations in your life in their totality.
Kris Carr famously said, “The only time we can change another person is when they are in diapers.” As a matter of fact, even when they are in diapers, one of the only things you can actually change is their diapers! Who they are is still who they are, no matter how old they are. Therefore, in safe dating and relationships, you can only influence others’ behavior to some extent; you can’t control other people’s behavior.
Now please ask yourself these questions:
- What do I try to control now that’s not something within my realm of control?
- What should I stop doing that can allow me to reclaim my energy and my power to invest in activities and things that I truly have control over?
- How can I surrender in this aspect?
“Don’t miss out on the wonder that comes from letting things unfold on their own. When you let go of how you think your love life should be, it usually ends up better than you could have imagined. And that’s a beautiful thing.”