My friend Brandon is a single guy in his early 40s. Because his parents are older now, they live with him – they need him at this stage in life, which is totally understandable. The main challenge that Brandon faces currently is singlism from his family. Brandon has given me the permission to share his experience on this blog with you so if other men also have to deal with this issue, more people can benefit from this article about some very honest safer dating advice.
- Brandon’s true story:
Brandon’s mom urgently wants to have grandchildren, but Brandon has been single for one decade. His previous relationship ended 10 years ago, and he hasn’t had a girlfriend for such a long time. Brandon has been focusing on his career, his health and wellbeing & his hobbies since he broke up with his ex. The single lifestyle actually fits him like a hand-made glove right now. This is definitely the happiest version of himself. He has decided to be single for now. His happiness gives him the confidence to find a partner. He will find someone suitable. It’s only a matter of when and how.
Last year his parents moved into his apartment because they are older nowadays. He takes his parents to various appointments with a variety of doctors. He looks after his parents in many ways. His dad is more understanding because his dad is intelligent. However, his mom is a very difficult person as she never had the opportunity to get the education that she needs – she doesn’t really know what she is doing.
Yesterday Brandon’s mom was complaining about not having grandchildren and she even said to Brandon, “If you don’t listen to me, I’ll jump out of the window.” Clearly, she didn’t understand Brandon’s perspective at all & is certainly unwilling to learn how this world works.
Brandon called me last night after hearing his mom’s threat. He was on the verge of tears when we spoke on the phone. I’d like to share my insights into the situation with everyone who visits this blog about safer dating advice so that more people can learn how to cope with singlism from family members.
- My take on the situation & the sincerest safer dating advice for men dealing with singlism at home:
“You have already tried to convince your mom to be more patient,” I said to Brandon, “You’ve tried your best, but you can’t really expect her to change. You know how hard it is to change yourself, so you should know how hard it must be to change someone else. Based on what you told me, I know your mom also used this kind of threat in the past with her parents repeatedly. In fact, that’s not as uncommon as you think – many people used this type of threat to manipulate others and situations because they feel powerless. Truthfully, your mom is probably actually powerless because she isn’t really educated. Honestly, she doesn’t have the brains to figure out what’s going on. You have done your best – you have explained things to her again and again, so you have no regret. Now you have to know the difference between what you can control and what you can’t.”
Brandon has understood that stress comes from trying to control what’s outside of his control. Now it’s time for him to add more self-care to his life. Let me explain.
After his parents moved into his apartment, his mom was keeping and checking all receipts at home until the family learned that receipts contain toxic stuff which is bad for health. Therefore, now they don’t keep receipts at home. Oftentimes, they don’t even ask for receipts from the shops anymore. Brandon never bought anything nice for himself since his parents moved into his apartment because his parents watch money very carefully (they are from a relatively poor background originally, so that’s understandable). Now because they don’t keep the receipts anymore, Brandon has less to worry about. In other words, if he buys himself something nice, his parents don’t even have to know it. In a way, he is financially supporting his parents anyway & he has been paying his parents’ major medical bills, and he has worked extremely hard for decades, so he deserves nice things now. As a result, my advice for him is to buy a coffee when he needs one. What Brandon really wants isn’t expensive anyway. Brandon doesn’t ask for much.
Of course, I know you are not Brandon, so self-care can be something very different for you. Maybe you can go to the movies by yourself to see a movie that you really love. Or perhaps you should totally buy the eBooks that you want to read on Kindle. Some of you might want to get a massage regularly. Now you have understood separation of tasks, i.e., what you can control is your task, whereas what’s outside of your control is other people’s task. As long as you’ve done your best to communicate with your family, what you need next is self-care.
Remember, self-care doesn’t necessarily cost money. You can borrow DVDs and books from the library. You can go to bed earlier at night and sleep more. You can spend more time with your friends for a better social life.
“If you are ready for a romantic relationship now, you’d better join Simply Dating where eligible single women from Eastern Europe are looking for relationships on the Internet.”
