“Could you please tell me how to ask whether somebody has debt as well as what their financial situation is like in a relationship?” says Alex, “When is it appropriate to ask this kind of questions in dating?”

Certain natural pivotal moments present opportunities to ask questions about someone’s finances.

Some natural pivotal moments: having your first international trip together, moving in together, getting engaged, your anniversary, and so on. However, please remember that this topic wouldn’t be one conversation only. Probably it’s a conversation that you and your partner will have over several years. These questions include: 1) Would you prefer a first-class flight or the economy class? 2) How were your family talking about money when you were young? 3) What are your viewpoints on charitable donations in the society and prenups before getting married?

In an international relationship, cultural differences are inevitable, so you’d better ask questions about finances early. For example, Alex is from a first-world western country & he is more spendy by nature. By contrast, his girlfriend is from Eastern Europe and she is a saver. Alex would like to know how to reconcile these different philosophies as well.

My advice for Alex is to understand that there are certain things that two people in a relationship may never agree on and that’s totally fine & normal. Nevertheless, when they talk about that honestly, they are able to minimize the issue. Therefore, Alex should bring this topic up by asking the right questions & by being curious and vulnerable. A good way to bring it up is to say something along the lines of, “I read an article on the Internet about money & suddenly, I realized that I haven’t got my own money philosophy yet. So, I’m curious. Do you have your philosophy?” This is a great way to start an open discussion. 😊

The big picture VS small details:

Some couples argue over buying drinks/ snacks rather than thinking about whether they should buy an apartment or rent a house. They talk about whether they should buy a pair of shoes on Amazon instead of whether they should invest in a business/the stock market. Frankly, for couples that get the big picture right, snacks, drinks or shoes are irrelevant, especially in the grand scheme of life.

So, in your international relationship, please get the big things right, e.g., real estate, investments, etc. After that, you would be well-advised to spend more money on things you love, and cut on the things you don’t care about at all. For instance, I love personal development, so I spend a lot on books and seminars & I don’t feel guilty about the things that I love. Meanwhile, I don’t care about jewelry, so I cut ruthlessly on jewelry (I only have some costume jewelry from many years ago). I highly encourage you to cut costs dramatically on things that are not serving you or things that you don’t care about.

“You can have a happy, healthy and satisfying international relationship if you build an authentic connection with your partner.”