These days relationships are complicated as many people have difficult ex-partners to deal with. Sometimes when various factors are involved, the situation can be harder. Hence, setting boundaries is important.
- How to deal with her ex-partner:
An ex who sends text messages, calls, shows up & makes a pest of himself is obsessed with your girlfriend. He isn’t done yet, as he hangs on to the vague idea that he might get her back.
You have to find out if she is enjoying this ridiculous game, even if she complains about that guy. If he is simply a pest & she is not interested in seeing him again, then she wouldn’t answer the telephone or respond to his text messages. If she is tricked into answering the phone call, then she will tell him not to call her in the future. If he rocks up, she will find a good reason for not seeing him again. If she truly wants to leave her annoying ex, you would know it as she will change her telephone number as well as her address.
Yet if she enjoys this absurd game with him, then she will answer the phone and respond to his text messages, although she says she doesn’t want him anymore. If that happens, you have to set boundaries very clearly and say this to her, “If you consent to his ridiculous game, that is a depraved courtship, so I will move on as my standards will not allow me to stay in this.”
Let’s say her ex-husband has already remarried or has his life together (does not call her except to tell her when he will pick up their kids). Well, that’s a pleasant ex-husband.
Though you can like him, you cannot become his friend. Your romantic relationship with your girlfriend is your priority and should not be watered down by being her ex-husband’s friend. His views of her may influence your view of her. You may end up having the exactly same relationship with her just because you expect the same issues based on what he’s mentioned to you. What’s more, what he says might be out of his agenda of not wanting to see her more satisfied with another guy. It is indeed a rare ex-husband who is not curious about or jealous of you as his replacement. His ego will make him compare himself to you. This ex-husband might not speak highly of you behind your back. He might like you. It does not really matter. Your behavior must remain the same – if he is not a problem, just be civil. However, you have to be smart – protect your romantic relationship from her ex-husband’s negative influence.
A difficult ex-husband is aware of all her hot buttons to pull out every stop – guilt, blame and shame. Do not tolerate with a difficult ex-husband. An ex-husband who still asks for her advice or shows up is literally infringing and has zero right to anything. There is a reason why he is an ex-husband.
- If your girlfriend still spends Christmas together with her kids and her ex-husband….
Well, if your lady still spends important holidays with her ex-husband and their children or has very long conversations on the telephone several times per week with her ex-husband, then they are actually psychologically married in reality, even though they are technically divorced. Another red flag is they often meet for coffee or dinner when she brings children back from visitation. Also, when their conversations include ‘my ex’, that means their divorce hasn’t been psychologically finalized yet.
Remember: the word ‘my’ is a personal pronoun that indicates possession. This first-person pronoun implies a lingering, subtle connection. It’s fine to use it occasionally. However, if it’s used too frequently, it suggests a continuing status of possessive, lingering connection. Therefore, you must set boundaries now.
To be free emotionally, people have to divorce not only on paper, but also divorce each other’s emotions, possessions, behaviors and speech references. So, you’d better tell your lady to use her ex-husband’s name when she refers to him. For example, “Bob did that…” or “Rick’s dad did that…”
By the way, whenever you talk with your girlfriend, you shouldn’t mention her ex-husband, as every time you mention her ex-husband, you are literally reminding her of him once. Remove that guy from your conversations with your lady!
“Our safer dating advice today is showing you how to set boundaries in dating and relationships so that you can better protect yourself!”