How to handle conflict in an international relationship

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship because nothing is perfect in this world – this is the fact that we must accept. Today I’d like to show you some tips regarding how to handle conflict effectively in an international relationship.

Let’s start from some typical examples of how to handle complaints.

These two examples below come from a booklet that I created for a customer service team in the retail industry. The reason I’ve included these 2 examples here is because they are real stories that teach us a helpful principle which can be implemented in international relationships.

How to handle complaints: Agree with the customer and then find a third party to blame (you don’t need to actually blame anyone).

Example 1: A couple really like a pair of pants at XYZ brand’s concession store, but we don’t have the right size for him. Although our system shows that we have Size 32, in fact we don’t have that due to an error in the system. I send the couple to XYZ brand’s freestanding store because the computer shows that the freestanding store has Size 32 (it’s almost 4:30pm on Saturday, so I wouldn’t ask the freestanding store’s manager to transfer it out in order to get the sale for us here – I don’t have the time to go to the freestanding store to get Size 32.) However, when the couple arrive at the freestanding store, that manager says, “Sorry. We don’t have Size 32 here. You can go to the concession store because they have it there.” For some reason (e.g., confusion), this couple come back to this concession store, trying to get Size 32 here again. When this couple come here again, they say, “Just now we called your concession store and you checked that you have Size 32 on your computer”. I say, “Another lady answered the phone just now – I already told her off and sent her home today because there is an error in the system and she should know that.” The reason I said “I already told her off” is because if I don’t blame “another lady” in front of the customers, they will be even more angry. Therefore, when a customer complains about something, you should agree with the customer and then quickly find a third party to blame in front of the customer. Of course, you don’t need to actually tell anyone off.

Example 2: A customer comes to XYZ brand in order to buy an outfit, but I’m in the basement to tidy the reserves. Consequently, the salesperson at ABC brand approaches our customer and is trying to convert our customer to ABC brand – he doesn’t do it tactfully, so the customer is unhappy with that and tells me about “the dodgy guy from ABC brand” after I come back from the basement. In the fitting room, I say this to the angry customer, “I’m so sorry. I will definitely tell him off.” In the end, the customer is very happy with the purchase and the shopping experience. Obviously, I wouldn’t tell anyone off; I just need to pacify the situation so that the customer can have positive associations with this department store. Although we are not employed by the department store, our company is renting spaces at the department store – the rent has already been paid in order to get high-quality traffic in an upmarket department store, so we shouldn’t waste our resources.

How to implement this principle in an international relationship so that you can handle conflict correctly:

When you are in an international relationship, you would be well-advised to understand that sometimes conflict is unavoidable. But the good news is you can handle it in the right way because now you have this principle: Agree with your partner and then find a third party to blame.

Let’s say your partner wants to know why you spend so much time working extremely hard at night. She can’t stand the fact that you spend less time with her these days because you try to focus on your work all the time. When she complains about you, please don’t take it personal. You can say something along the lines of, “Indeed, I need to spend more quality time with you on Friday night. I probably should tell my boss off because the workload is too much and I can’t finish the work before 5pm.”

In this example, you agree with your partner first, which means you understand her completely. Then you find a third party (the boss) to blame. Now the conflict is resolved.