A safe dating skill: Managing her emotions before talking about facts

When I was in my early 20s, I worked for a call center and then became a retailer, so I had some customer service experience which helped me to get a job interview in a well-known womenswear store. The manager of that womenswear store asked me, “How do you handle a customer’s complaint?” My answer was, “I manage the customer’s feelings and emotions before I talk about the facts with the customer. I agree with the customer first. If the customer is still angry, I find a third party that is not here to blame, so the customer will feel better. When someone is angry, that means this person doesn’t feel right, so I make this person feel better and then I can talk about the solution to the problem with this customer.” I remember the manager took notes after hearing my answer. In fact, this people skill can also be used in safe dating because in a romantic relationship, you have to manage your partner’s feelings and emotions before talking about facts, too.

How to manage her feelings and emotions:

Every couple fights. This is a well-known fact.

Indeed, conflict is inevitable in every relationship. You can’t avoid all problems in life – that’s a given.

In order to implement safe dating principles, you’d better protect your wellbeing and your relationship by learning how to manage your partner’s emotions. In this way, you will be able to have a relatively peaceful romantic relationship that you can actually enjoy in the long term.

Let’s have a look at the example in the introduction paragraph again. In that example, I agree with the customer first because if I disagree with the customer, he/she will only get louder. The worst thing that I can say to the customer is “Calm down!”

Similarly, in a romantic relationship, when there is an issue and your partner is upset. Please don’t disagree with her immediately. The first thing that you should say to her is to agree with her by acknowledging her feelings and emotions: “I understand.”

How to talk about facts:

After changing her mood, you can start to change her mind (her better mood will help you to change her mind as well).

You might give her a cup of tea to create a comfortable and cozy ambience so that it will be easier for you to talk about facts or the solution to the problem.

Let’s say she is mad because you forgot her birthday. Of course, at the beginning you shouldn’t justify why it’s okay for you to forget her birthday as the more reasons/excuses you use, the more upset she will feel. Simply acknowledge her feelings and apologize to her for forgetting her birthday.

Then while having a cup of tea, you give her a solution, “Because I forgot your birthday, that’s completely my fault. So, I will take you to the most romantic restaurant this Friday night and there will be a surprise present for you after dinner.”

In terms of the surprise present, ideally it is supposed to be something meaningful. For example, you remember that she mentioned how much she would love to go to Mariah Carey’s concert, so you give her two tickets for Mariah Carey’s concert – you will go to the concert with her as a special date. In other words, the surprise present should be something that you prepare based on what she actually likes. This also shows that you remember important details that she has shared with you previously.