In life, sometimes people are unhappy not because their circumstances are actually bad, but because they don’t feel right. For instance, my friend Martin is upset because his wife forgot his birthday. My advice for him is to focus on facts rather than feelings: Yes, his wife forgot his birthday, and that’s her fault, but his wife treats him with respect, does all the housework and takes care of him and their children really well – these are obvious facts that can’t be changed by forgetting his birthday. That is to say, his wife forgot his birthday – this makes him upset, yet he shouldn’t be petty; instead, he has to remember important facts and focus on these facts.
- What are the facts in your international relationship?
Kevin is a client who needs my dating advice. His girlfriend didn’t give him a Christmas present in December, so he is unhappy.
“I gave her a bottle of Dior perfume on Christmas Day,” says Kevin, “I thought she would reciprocate, but she didn’t.”
“There could be many reasons why she didn’t give you a Christmas present,” I explain, “Because you gave her a bottle of Dior perfume on 25th December, she didn’t have enough time to buy you a Christmas present in order to reciprocate – perhaps she didn’t know that a couple should give each other Christmas presents. Or maybe in her culture, only men give women Christmas presents. There are many possibilities.”
“Right,” says Kevin, “But I don’t feel right.”
“Does she respect your boundaries in this relationship?” I ask him.
“Yes.” Kevin answers my question immediately.
“Does she meet your standards in this international relationship?” I ask him again.
“Yes. She meets all my important and non-negotiable standards.” Kevin doesn’t hesitate.
“Since she respects your boundaries and meets your key standards, you can focus on these facts rather than your temporary feelings regarding the Christmas present problem.” I point this out clearly.
Remember: in an international relationship, two facts must be established – 1) She has to respect your boundaries; 2) she must meet your standards. That’s a high-value woman that you can marry!
Apart from these two facts, you don’t really need to worry about small things that might upset you occasionally. Actually, it’s okay to tactfully talk to her about things that bother you. Let me show you some examples below.
“Oh. I thought you would make a cake for me on Christmas.” (You say this in a joking tone, and then you will find out why she didn’t give you a Christmas present.)“Hmmm. My neck and shoulders are uncomfortable after sitting in front of a computer all day every day for so many weeks. I thought you would give me a neck and shoulder massage on my birthday.” (You say this in a playful tone, so you will know what made her forget your birthday.)
- How to stop focusing on your feelings:
If you are worried about your feelings too much, chances are you are overthinking situations.
Frankly, if you have an interesting life full of ambitions, achievements, hobbies, interests, passions and friends, you wouldn’t even be petty.
As a matter of fact, the best way to stop focusing on your feelings too much is to build an amazing lifestyle that excites you. This is also an effective way to make your international relationship better because when you are happy with or without a woman, she actually wants to be with you even more!
“When you feel consumed by certain feelings, please image that your feelings are on a leaf which is floating on a river. They will go away and eventually disappear!”
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