A gentleman in his early 30s writes, “The other day I told the woman that I was dating my boundaries and standards in a relationship. Then she broke up with me. Perhaps I didn’t communicate my boundaries and standards correctly? My tone wasn’t happy. How can I get over this?” Today I’d like to share my answer on this blog without revealing this gentleman’s name. 

  • When you clarify your boundaries and standards, most people should walk away. 

Yes, read the sentence above again. That’s exactly what I’ve said because realistically, most people can’t meet your standards and they would cross your boundaries. But please always remember: You are not looking for most people; you are only looking for one person who can respect your boundaries and meet your standards.

Frankly, you don’t even need most people; you simply need that special person, the right person for you. If a woman walks away after knowing your boundaries and standards, that just means she isn’t the right person (she is one of most people).

You are looking for a remarkable woman, not an average woman.

Dating and relationships aren’t that easy because the majority of the population can’t meet your standards. Therefore, you have to make an effort to look for true love in a world of uncertainty.

Why do some people have wonderful love lives? Well, in truth, that’s because they work on their love lives – their effort shouldn’t be ignored.  

  • In your subconscious mind, you know she isn’t the right woman for you.

Your needs weren’t met in that relationship, so your subconscious mind was unhappy with that. As a result, your subconscious mind was doing the work for you, although your emotional brain doesn’t feel that way.

Now it seems that she broke up with you. However, in fact, you broke up with her because of your subconscious mind – you have to own that. Please note that ownership is very powerful and liberating in dating and relationships. When you own something, you don’t blame anyone; you merely take full responsibility in life. That’s how you become a happy person.  

I’d like to give you an analogy: If your partner knows that you can’t survive emotionally outside this relationship, in a way your partner is holding a loaded gun to your head – Let’s say you are walking down the street and suddenly someone holds a gun to your head. In this moment, this person doesn’t need to listen to your requests at all; you just do whatever they say. Similarly, in a relationship, when your partner feels that you cannot survive emotionally if you don’t have this relationship, your partner has all the leverage – she puts a gun to your head. Consequently, now you have to do whatever she says in order to stay in this relationship. (Though she doesn’t have a loaded gun, your lack of self-worth and self-confidence loads the gun for her. A relationship like that gives you the comfort that you need, but you actually deserve so much more. You are enough. You should have the ability to walk away even though you know it’s painful because it’s a breakup.) Hence, I highly encourage you to derive confidence and validation from various sources in life instead of deriving all your confidence & validation from your romantic relationship.    

“Although dating and relationships are hard, the right relationship shouldn’t feel too hard.”